Discussing The Un-discussable – How To Stay Sane At Work

Contradiction,” is an ambiguous term. If you and your manager have different definitions, assumptions, or information, what seems impossible to you might seem natural to him.

If your manager asks you to do more but also to go home on time, you might think he is unreasonable. He may feel he is reasonable because he expects your productivity to improve.

In a healthy workplace, any apparent contradiction is discussable. You can tell your manager, “I’m afraid the only way I can do more is to work extra hours.” And he can explain to you, “Oh, that’s not what I meant. I assumed that you could do it in the same time with the new tools.” This may be over-optimistic, but it is not illogical.

In an unhealthy workplace, contradictions are un-discussable. You can’t tell your manager what you think. This puts you in a catch-22. If you speak up, you will be punished for challenging authority. If you don’t speak up and leave on time, you will be punished for not delivering. And if you deliver, you will be punished for working too many hours. (See thisterrific New Yorker cartoon, which captures the concept perfectly.)

Your manager may be a unilateral control freak who will attack you if you challenge him. Or he may be a mutual learner who doesn’t realize he’s putting you in a dilemma. Fortunately, the exact same strategy can work for both cases.

In this post, you will see how to approach your manager safely, how to resolve the dilemma if your manager is willing to cooperate, and how to stay sane if he doesn’t. But before you can open your manager’s door, you must open your own door to your employees.

You’re the Boss

You probably see yourself as a learner. How do your employees see you?

“Scared of me? Why would anyone be scared of me?” many managers wonder. “I am alwaysopen to listen to them. If they want to know what ‘closed’ means they should talk to mymanager!”

I once worked with an executive team that wanted to “encourage prudent risk-taking.” They were conscious leaders, eager to create a culture of openness. They were frustrated because in spite of their efforts, people remained “too risk-averse.”

“Have you asked your people what is stopping them from taking more risks?” I inquired.

“No, we can’t figure it out. We have reassured them many times that it’s Ok to fail. We want them to experiment,” the CEO replied.

“I did not ask if you had figured out why they don’t take more risks,” I clarified, “I asked if you had asked them what is stopping them.”

Regardless of how receptive you think you are, your employees will not ask you to explain, will not challenge you, and will not reveal their constraints to you fully, even if you invite them to do so.

They have surely worked for other less receptive managers before who have set a lower standard of discussability. And some of them may be traumatized by previous work experiences in which they had to report to some control freak who took pride in being “very receptive.”

Just imagine how little they will tell you if you don’t ask.

Here are three questions to demonstrate your commitment to discussability:

1. Is there anything I could do, or stop doing, to help you?
2. Are there any issues that you’d like to discuss with me?
3. How can I be more supportive and encouraging?

After you ask, you must listen carefully. Click here for seven steps to do this.

When was the last time you asked these questions to your employees?

When was the last time you asked these questions to your loved ones?

If it has been more than a week, you have work to do before you address your manager.

Your “D” Boss

D may stand for “dear” or for “dangerous,” but the best way to approach your manager is still the same.

1. Ask for help so you can be of service. Tell your manager you need his advice on how to resolve a dilemma you are facing as you try to support his goals.
2. State the dilemma in first person language. For example, “On the one hand, I understand you want me to minimize the chance of failure. On the other hand, I understand you want me to take more risks, which necessarily increase the chances of failure. I am not sure how to assess whether a particular risk is prudent.”
3. Ask for clarification through definitions and illustrations. For example, “Could you help me define the difference between prudent and imprudent risks? It would be very helpful to me if we can look at some examples of prudent and imprudent risks, both factual and possible.”
4. Take responsibility and own your limits. Rather than follow the instinct to complain—“That’s impossible!”—Try acknowledgement: “I don’t know how to do that with my current skills and resources.”
5. Ask for what you need or make a proposal. For example, “It will probably take me a month to learn how to use the new tools. Until then, I can either deliver the same, or if you need more, I can work extra hours. Which would you prefer?”

These five steps maximize your chances of resolving the issue, but there is no guarantee. It takes two to tango.

If your manager does not want to cooperate, you might have to practice some verbal aikido.

Let me know how it goes. And, if all else fails, let us at least take comfort in comedy:

“More than at any time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly”—Woody Allen.